This is a fern.
For millions of years, the fern has called the Earth its home
Throughout its storied history on our planet, the fern has borne witness to some of humanitys greatest triumphs
And its greatest failures
But through it all, it has remained our noble friend and ally.
It is magnificent.
It is glorious.
It is ancient.
It is green.
It grows outside.
But it can also be in a house.
It is a fern.
Now it is time to show our gratitude.
Pleasure this fern.
Well, all right.
How would you like to pleasure this fern?
Oh nice. Seems like that actually worked. You pleasured the fern! Well done!
Smart. Taking the fern to a strip club is a surefire way to pleasure it. Good thinking! You pick it up and walk up to the front door of the strip club.
But you are immediately stopped by the bouncer.
Sorry, pal. But you cant come in here.
Yeah, no, the fern can come inside. But you cant. Youre not on the list.
Well, fern, it looks like you have to go into the strip club without me, you explain to the fern. Ill be waiting out here, so just come find me when youre done, all right? Have a good time!
The bouncer picks up the fern and goes inside the smoky club.
You walk the city streets to pass the time while the fern is in the strip club.
You check your watch. Wow. The fern sure has been in there a while.
What? says a nearby man.
You wait so long that you eventually fall asleep.
You finally awake to the sound of a fern. Its the fern! It finally left the strip club!
The fern doesnt respond. It just sits there.
You notice that the fern doesnt look different at all. It seems to have barely even realized that it was at a strip club for what must have ended up being at least 10 hours.
Goddammit, fern, you sigh. I waited all that time for you to get pleasure in the strip club and you didnt even get pleasure in it? Well, I suppose its back to the drawing board. Come on, fern. Lets go. Theres gotta be some other way to pleasure you.
You use your lips to blow some of the hot air thats stuck inside of you onto the fern.
You blow on it some more.
You do it more.
You keep blowing on it.
You breathe on the fern more.
You keep at it.
You put some more of your breath on the fern via your mouth.
Oh, cool. Looks like all that breathing paid off. You pleasured the fern!
Yeah, that didnt do anything.
Well, that didnt seem to do much. Its definitely more lubed up than it was before. But other than that, its pretty unclear if it pleasured the fern. Good job?
Great idea. It is common knowledge that ferns love it when someone sings a song to them. Which of the worlds finest singers are you going to get to sing a song to the fern?
This is the famous singer known as Schwepppppppppps. He is famous for the distinct sound of his teeth and lips. His most popular songs are May I Cool My Warm Scalp In Your Sink? and My Scalp Is Medically Hot.
Great. Which song do you want Schwepppppppppps to sing for the fern?
Great. Which song do you want One Thousand Dollars to sing for the fern?
Great. Which song do you want Computer Virus to sing for the fern?
Schwepppppppppps steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Three cheers for the Danny Aiello of plants!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Three cheers for the plant whose poise is only rivaled by actor Danny Aiello!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Three cheers for the fern, as well as Danny Aiello!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Amen.
One Thousand Dollars steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Three cheers for the Danny Aiello of plants!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Three cheers for the plant whose poise is only rivaled by actor Danny Aiello!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Three cheers for the fern, as well as Danny Aiello!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Amen.
Computer Virus steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Three cheers for the Danny Aiello of plants!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Three cheers for the plant whose poise is only rivaled by actor Danny Aiello!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Three cheers for the fern, as well as Danny Aiello!
Yah!
Yah!
Yah!
Amen.
Schwepppppppppps steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Licking
Licking
I am licking a fern
I am licking it all over
I am licking the leaves of a fern
The whole fern, itsI am licking it
But I am not
I am not
No, I am not eating it
One Thousand Dollars steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Licking
Licking
I am licking a fern
I am licking it all over
I am licking the leaves of a fern
The whole fern, itsI am licking it
But I am not
I am not
No, I am not eating it
Computer Virus steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Licking
Licking
I am licking a fern
I am licking it all over
I am licking the leaves of a fern
The whole fern, itsI am licking it
But I am not
I am not
No, I am not eating it
Schwepppppppppps steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Theres a place where I know
All the fellas love to go
Its a shady little spot
And when the weathers hot
I grab my towel and go there
To tell a plant my sins
O, sweet fern,
My darling little honey priest
My sweet clergy baby doll,
My leafy green religious guide
I…Youre… Amen, my little sweetie pie baby friend, goodnight
Ah, yes. It is clear from just looking at it. You have pleasured the fern by treating it to this stirring performance. Well done.
One Thousand Dollars steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Theres a place where I know
All the fellas love to go
Its a shady little spot
And when the weathers hot
I grab my towel and go there
To tell a plant my sins
O, sweet fern,
My darling little honey priest
My sweet clergy baby doll,
My leafy green religious guide
I…Youre… Amen, my little sweetie pie baby friend, goodnight
Computer Virus steps up to the microphone and sings a song for the fern:
Theres a place where I know
All the fellas love to go
Its a shady little spot
And when the weathers hot
I grab my towel and go there
To tell a plant my sins
O, sweet fern,
My darling little honey priest
My sweet clergy baby doll,
My leafy green religious guide
I…Youre… Amen, my little sweetie pie baby friend, goodnight
This is the world-famous singer named One Thousand Dollars. He is famous for the distinctive way he splashes in hot tub water while singing. His most popular songs are God Has Fingernails and God Has Toenails.
This is the world-famous singer named Computer Virus. She is famous for the distinctive way in which no one has ever seen or heard her before. Her most popular songs are Monday And Tuesday And Thursday and Saturday And Sunday And Wednesday And Friday.
So you want to give a man to the fern. Thats great. But first you have to find a man.
You immediately encounter this boy. He is way too young to be a man.
I want to belong to the fern. Please allow me to become its possession.
Heres a house that could have a man in it. Want to break into this house?
Ah, yes. This house seems promising. You can already hear the sounds of men screaming inside from all the way out here. What do you think?
Okay, this is the last house on the block. Want to break in?
You take out your trusty crowbar and begin to bust open the door.
Darn. Looks like this house just has some sort of animal in it. Not a man in sight.
Give me to the fern, says the animal. All I want is to belong to the fern.
The dog yawns from sadness.
This is terrible. My life is ruined. Have a nice day.
You take out your trusty crowbar and begin to bust open the door.
But once youre inside, there are no men to be seen. Just these two pregnant ladies.
Hello, and thank you for breaking into our house, says the pregnant lady whose name is secretly Martha.
Can we help you with something? says the pregnant lady whose name is secretly also Martha.
Oh, that was just the two men who are growing inside of us, says Martha.
Yes, says Martha as well. The small and young men that are growing inside of us are always yelling at each other. Just listen!
Fuck you! screams Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
No, fuck you! screams the other Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
No, fuck you! screams Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
Fuck that. Fuck you! screams the other Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
Well, fuck you! screams Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
Oh-oh-oh fuck-fuck you-you-you-you, fuck! I fucking hate you! screams the other Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you! Wow! Fuck you! screams Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
No, fuck you! screams the other Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach.
No, fuck you! screams Marthas stomach at the other Marthas stomach
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