Television is Americas box.
Its where that grand old dame we call Life struts her stuff around in circles for all to see, and sometimes at night. You can turn on a TV and see marvels like a woman scratching her way out of a preschool, or Alan Dershowitz passed out nude on a sandbar.
Cheers. Cheers: Uprising. Mozart In The Jungle. Mozart In The Jungle: Uprising. These are just a few of the TV shows that there are, and more!
Nobody knows how we got TV, but thank almighty God we did.
But theres one thing TV has never done, and its this:
Been watched, by you, online, here, right now, with actors including but not limited to Blaine and Genna, for you, forever.
Please confirm.
Well, welcome to the worlds first-ever Online Television!
Using Digital Methods, the computer has become televisions only house, and its not going anywhere, because we smacked a stake through the heart of old television using a three wood.
For watching-TV purposes, you are Virtua-Roger.
Meet Virtua-Roger!
- Medical student studying Human Arm at Big State Central Downtown University
- Loved nacho-esque foods and becoming dry
- Exactly one penis
- Did not give up his physical body willingly
Today, Virtua-Rodger is a husk for you to inhabit, for television.
Lets go! Weve got the closed captioning all set up for you, and the shows cant be beat. What channel do you want to watch?
What do you want to watch?
Thanks for watching! We hope you loved the shows and the sickly sensation of inhabiting Virtua-Roger. Hes going back to his Virtua-Tent for a well-deserved meal of Cyber-Gruel and Digi-Gruel! Never forget what you saw here today.
Please use this test pattern to calibrate your online television display, or just to show off all the colors you know to your aunt or uncle. Challenge your friends to a color race, for charity! The test pattern is a prince among channels.
BZZZT.
STERN VOICE: Lonely? Extremely lonely? A human tumbleweed in a dusty ditch? You could be entitled to companionship from real, bar-certified lawyers!
At the law offices of Balsam, Schwartz & Balsam-Schwartz, we specialize in getting YOU the pleasant company YOU deserve from OUR highly trained lawyers. They WILL not leave your side, they WILL not touch you, and they WILL not give you legal counsel! Professional lawyers can be in YOUR home or car within hours, smelling like DRY-ERASE MARKERS, ready for YOUR body to perceive THEIR body through BIOELECTROMAGNETICS.
Call NOW to get a free consultation, or just to chat!
Balsam, Schwartz & Balsam-Schwartz: Wed Die For You.
BZZZT.
TRUSTWORTHY VOICE: You can trust BETH.
Shes proven herself in the boardroom, to executives.
Shes proven herself in a parking lot, to cars.
Shes ready to roll up her sleeves and get filth on her forearms, and she knows it!
She once got a tooth knocked out when a crow flew into her, but she just popped it right back in. Thats pretty cool!
Wherever you go, you can rest assured knowing Beths been there first, and left a little plastic figurine behind for you to find.
Dont think too hard about it: Its Beth.
(Paid for by the Committee to Ensure That Its Beth.)
BZZZT.
EXCITABLE VOICE: Six hundred dollars! Six hundred dollars!
Its never been this many dollars before, and it may never again!
Youve experienced four hundred dollars. Youve experienced nine hundred dollars. But six hundred? No way! How could you have?! When would you have?!
Come on down, because its six hundred dollars, right now! Get down here, now! Six hundred dollars! Now!
BZZZT.
RUSTIC VOICE: When you drink Gershwins Grape Slurry, youre not just drinking juice, pulp, and bits. Youre drinking juice, pulp, history, bits, and tradition.
Way back during history, our founder, Buck Gershwin, discovered his famous grape slurry when his grape silo collapsed, sending sweet, opaque slurry flooding through the county.
Today, we make our Gershwins Grape Slurry the exact same way: by loading a rotting silo full of soft grapes and letting it buckle.
Is it easy? No way. Is it sustainable? Well see. But is it worth it? Thats honestly hard to determine.
So pour yourself a glass and raise it to the light. Because when you see the mulch, youll know its real Gershwins slurry.
BZZZT.
UNTRUSTWORTHY VOICE: How much do we really know about BETH?
Sometimes when she talks, we think about other things: whether melons are a winter plant, and how our kitchen would look with a kitchen island. Should that REALLY be happening?
Beth doesnt own much artbut art can be a nice thing to own. Somethings not adding up.
Her pinkies seem weird. How do they bend?
We didnt learn about shark migration patterns from Beth. We learned about them from our Encarta encyclopedia CD-ROM. What else isnt she telling us?
And is she even all that tall? Theres no way to be sure.
Face it: When it comes to Beth, were all in the dark, and who is refusing to turn on one of her proprietary, patent-pending, flashlights? Its Beth.
Enough already. Its time to kill Beth.
(Paid for by the Council on Should Beth Live Y/N.)
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT.
[One overaggressive trumpet plays an extremely fucked-up and halting version of Reveille.]
ANNOUNCER: Iiiiiiiiiiiits You Got A Problem? with Biff Little!
BIFF: This is exhausting. This whole thing is exhausting.
BIFF: I get done with this, I go home, my wife wants to talk to me. I just tune her out. It feels like if I look her in the eyes and open my mouth Ill start crying and never stop. I make lemon squares instead. I dont even eat them.
BIFF: Our contestants today are Maisie, the mama bear from Minnetonka
MAISIE: Biff, this is a dream come true.
BIFF: Please dont engage with me.
BIFF: Weve got Gregg, the not-so-nutty professor. Gregg, whats your deal?
GREGG: This is the only thing Ive got on my calendar for six months in either direction.
BIFF: You understand me, Gregg.
BIFF: And weve still got a camera feed on Lou, but nobody has any idea where he is. Lou, if you can hear me, stay put. Weve called the fire department and a couple local empaths, and well figure this one out.
BIFF: Maisie, Gregg, are you ready to play You Got A Problem?
MAISIE: Biff, absolutely.
GREGG: Yes, but Ill have to feed the meter in 20 minutes.
BIFF: All right, then. Maisie, youre up first. You got a problem?
MAISIE: I dunno, you got a problem?
BIFF: You got a fucking problem?
MAISIE: Quit fucking staring at me, or we got a problem.
BIFF: You got some kinda problem?
MAISIE: You heard what I said.
BIFF: So youre saying we got a problem?
MAISIE: I said, you heard what I said.
BIFF: Walk away.
MAISIE: Walk away, asshole.
BIFF: You walk away or the jokers coming out to play.
MAISIE: Walk away, or were dancing.
BIFF: Walk away.
MAISIE: Walk away.
[Buzzer.]
BIFF: And thats it for Maisie!
MAISIE: Howd I do?
BIFF: I dont fucking know. Gregg, youre up! Its time to play You Got A Problem?!
BIFF: You got a problem?
GREGG: Jesus.
BIFF: You got a problem, man?
GREGG: Leave me alone.
BIFF: I asked you a question.
GREGG: Please stop.
BIFF: Are you deaf? I asked you a question.
GREGG: What the hells your problem?
BIFF: Oh, I got a problem?
GREGG: Yeah!
BIFF: I got a problem?!
GREGG: You do!
BIFF: Fuck you!
GREGG: Fuck me? Fuck yourself!
[Buzzer.]
BIFF: Well, thats it for Gregg, and Ive been told weve lost our feed on Lou, so thats probably it for Lou as well.
GREGG: That was horrible.
MAISIE: I feel tense and awful.
BIFF: I dont even get insurance for this.
GREGG: Did anyone win?
BIFF: Of course not. Im Biff Little, and this has been You Got A Problem? Join me next week, when Ill finally try to goad a contestant into choking me out. Good night!
[One overaggressive trumpet plays an extremely fucked-up and halting version of Taps.]
OLD MAN (V.O.): Itsnews. Whenever it happensthats news. Watergate, that was newsWhen they shot that deer in the indoor swimming pool and it turned out it had a pig in its stomachthat was news too.
And look at my gorgeous daughterShe has a job at the station26 dollars an hour she makeslives like the Queen of Shebabuys herself premium cliff ice from GreenlandBut she wont speak to menot a word…
[Uptempo jazz-fusion signifying the hustle and bustle of modern life.but also, hope for the future?]
CLUTCH: Hi, yeah. Yes, hey, its me, its your friend Clutch Locale, the Clutch-Man himself, stumbling towards you with two heaping armfuls of my famous news.
CLUTCH: ThatsThats right, youre absolutely correct. You have a news craving that only ol Clutch can slake.
CLUTCH: What else kind of news are you craving?
CLUTCH: Well, thats all the news thats fit to utter. Ive been Clutch Locale.
To close things out, we go now live to the network presidents silent son, whod like you to look at him.
PERCY:
PERCY: ?
PERCY:
[You can hear the sound of eyelids touching and coming apart, but Clutch never blinks.]
CLUTCH: Local news! Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Right now your mayor is barreling down the highway dragging a pinball machine behind her Malibu. Its the pinball machine she bought her son Deke for placing second in the county Oceanography Olympiad. Its Addams Family pinball because Deke is a little troll type of child. Shes dragging it behind her Malibu, sending chunks of pinball machine bouncing off into the shoulder and into peoples windshields, because Deke forged her signature on a bill making scrambled eggs officially a dessert. The police wont do anything about it because shes the mayor, and because shes got a hook in her lap that shell swipe them with. And thats local news, from Clutch!
CLUTCH: Dave Navarro found a cigarette butt in the back of his cheek when he was digging around in his mouth with his fingers, but then he popped it right back in there. This was just the other day. I cant believe you hadnt heard about this.
CLUTCH: If you have a boat, sell your boat. If you dont have a boat, buy two boats. If this doesnt make sense now, it will in a couple months, but for Gods sake, dont tell anyone I told you this. Theres a legal loophole that would let the SEC take my neck but leave my head, and old Clutchs career couldnt recover from that.
CLUTCH: They sure did! Someone kicked over a Saudi rock and found a bunch of scrolls under there, and it turns out youre supposed to dunk the Bible in light beer before reading it. Molson and Michelob work great. Thats just what the scrolls say, anyway.
CLUTCH: Im not great. I got an X-ray and it turns out Im mostly polyps. Like 60 percent bones and 40 percent polyps, plus skin. Theres no name for that. Its justhow it is. Thats how Clutch is.
PARTY LINE THEME MUSIC (Oh These Nights by Vim & Vigor):
Whoa-oh!
Whoa-oh!
Whoa-oa-oa-oh!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Whoa, yeah!
These are the days
These are the nights
Whoa-oh!
Whoa-oh!
Yes!
Definitely.
[Music like you would toast a city skyline to.]
DIRK: WebsitesGotta be like a billion of them.
HECTOR: Yeah, and maybe you can Google one to tell you where your penis and its balls are.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Yes! Hell yes!
DIRK: Hey, have you called into the party line yet today?
HECTOR: Not yet. Im still trying to get over this hangover.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Hm.
DIRK: Hangover? But we didnt drink last night! We read the atlas!
HECTOR: Itsasexhangoverfrombeddingdownwithwomen
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Now thats what were talking about!
DIRK: You dirty dog! Lets tell the party line all about it.
HECTOR: Im the filthiest pooch in all the district. Particularly the inside of my mouth.
PHONE: [Ringing.] BrrringBrrring
[Buskers pickings.]
STEPPAN: And you know me, guys: One sip of heavy water, and Im all elbows. Just a big ball of elbows. No eyes or mouth.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Thats Steppan for you. To a T.
PHONE: [Digital noise.]
STEPPAN: Whoa, gang, looks like Dirk and Hector are phoning in with some juicy nuggets to concern ourselves with!
BIG BART: Dirk and Hector, with that juice? Now this I gotta hear! Theres truly nothing like spending a barbecue on the party line!
ONE OF THREE KYLES: Ask them if Dirks mother finally gave birth, like shes always been talking about.
ONE OF THREE KYLES: Tell them that One Of Three Kyles says, Howdy.
ONE OF THREE KYLES: Im just happy to be here at all.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: God, we wish we could spend time with these people.
THEM: Its us, together at last.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: We honestly never thought wed see Them all together this season. Weve been thrown for, of all things, a loop.
THEM: Tell us of Dirk, and the sensuous Hector.
[Skrillex or some loud shit like that.]
LIMOUSINE ELMER AND HIS BACKSEAT COHORT: Blap-blap!
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Blap-blap for sure!
ELOUISE: I cant wait to tell my child the next twist and turn of the party-line saga. Fire away, boys.
HECTOR: Hello all. Hector here. You should all know that I performed not one but two sex acts, in quick succession, on the same person. One, then the other.
DIRK: One, and then, the other.
HECTOR: I did one sex actmouth and teethand then I did the other one, which was all legs.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: Whoa-oh! Whoa-oh!
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